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What I Want to SEE from American Horror Story!

American Horror Story 3×08 – Is there a way for me to keep this blog short? …Doubtful!

I’ve been told by my colleague that THIS season was deemed to be lighter and more whimsical than Season 2; that the writers needed a break after their dark and heavy masterpiece, Asylum. Well, you know what I say to that? Grow a pair, creators!! Are you KIDDING me? As I said in my last post, where’s the horror?

Cordelia-Acid-Eyes-American-Horror-Story-Coven-The ups and downs in the story have made me question if and how this show could possibly clean up the mess of a season they’ve created. The story is just all over the place!

We’ve got a supreme that’s awesome one episode and then falling apart in the next! How many times do we need to see Fiona battle for witch supremacy? In the beginning of the season Fiona deals with time and the inevitable effects it has on the human body, which was a great start to her downfall – And we learned very quickly how powerful she is (lots of house fights and usage of the assisting power of walls…bah). Too bad she stopped sucking the life out of people…she did it once and that was it…why? You’d think she’d have performed that trick against Madison!

We all know Fiona is purely selfish and evil; she cares not for her coven, nor her daughter’s well-being. She was successful in accusing Myrtle for her daughter’s acid-attack, and after burning that witch down, we never speak of the instance again?  Nope! Instead, she’s jazzing it up with The Axeman!

307 fiona copy

Furthermore, Fiona manipulates the young witches…what a great role model.

It’s almost too bad the coven failed to get Fiona to kill herself [because I wanna know who the next supreme is!!]…thanks a lot, Spalding, for giving Fiona a spoonful of not-sugar to help that medicine come up!

My ranting may be deceiving. Though I am flustered with this story, I truly do love the characters. I am still captivated by Jessica Lange and her glorious dialogue. I still want to run my fingers through Lily Rabe’s beautiful locks. I want more bad-ass Angela Bassett on my screen! I still anticipate what the next episode will bring to us each week!  I just want to convey my concern for the direction this season has taken [in the writing, the mixed back of plots…] there are so many holes in the story, I don’t want to be as disappointed as I was with Season 1! (I don’t mean to hate on Season 1, it was just not as good as Season 2 and it had a stupid ending).

Might as well wrap this up with a “short” list of complaints:

  • Somehow Madison’s back to normal and can feel sadness. She can’t get full but she can feel heartache. She still has a love/hate relationship for people; she likes a brain-dead multi-boy but hates her coven-sister with downs…you can’t be pretty, get a second chance at life and STILL be a bitch…what did NAN ever do except make nice with the hot neighbor? Oh…there it is.
  • Cordelia, you can’t complain about the staff not serving you a cup of tea when you can’t even attend classes, keep track of your students’ whereabouts or, wait for it, SEE!…..JEEBUS!
  • Zoe is the only one who’s learning something– kill people, just go ahead, kill people. Death snatch must be out of commission so murder by stabbing is the way to go and no one cares where Spalding is. Will Zoe burn for this? Or will Fiona forgive and forget since that seems to be the best way to handle things. Sweep it under the rug like a good witch! No one has to know…
  • I was really hoping Kathy Bates would play a more dominant role this season, but like so many characters, she just comes and goes without an afterthought.  She’s the most horrifying character when we get a glimpse at her past…too bad there isn’t more of that. I wish the season extended its story of her reign.
  • Queenie joins the Voodoo clan and instead of CARING about it, the coven will only resent her…way to go. Do Queenie’s parents know? Luckily, Detective Zoe & Madison are on the hunt! After following the scent of gumbo and sweat, they find her under an overpass! Those girls are GOOD! And now she’s pretty ruthless, effortlessly steals a man’s heart. That was awesome! It was bad-ass, it was, as she said, “VooDoo”.  I hope to see this transfer maximize Queenie’s VooDoo skills, as it hasn’t improved her acting skills.
  • Is the Axe Man alive or is he still a ghost? They haven’t resolved that yet…instead we get a hypothetical situation of Fiona on her death bed to waste our time with. Good job on the make-up, though – glad I got too see Gollum make a cameo!
  • I was VERY underwhelmed by the introduction between Misty Day and Fiona…my heart is set on Misty becoming the next supreme, but after that pathetic interaction I truly DO NOT KNOW what the heck is going on. Now I’m just hoping that Fiona kills everyone and then she’s supreme by default, she agrees to leave the voodoos alone in exchange for immortality and she can live happily ever after with her invisible friends, Casper the Jazzy Ghost and Roadkill, her faithful servant. I wonder if Axeman and Spalding will have a paranormal battle for Fiona’s heart…

I look forward to the next episode – Things will be LOOKING up for Cordelia, we’re hopefully going to get SOME sort of resolution with Hank and his magic silver bullets, and hopefully we’ll start to find a purpose.

Best line of the episodeCordelia: I never thought I’d see you again!

Come On, TV…What Are You Doing??

Anyone else a little annoyed, bored or perplexed by TV? There are a few programs that are “urking” me this season. ALL summer and beginning of fall we wait for our favorite shows to come back from hiatus and what do we get? MALARKY! Why are some shows doing great and others not-so-great??

What’s got me annoyed? How I Met Your Mother. They should have titled this season “How Your Uncle Married My Ex-Girlfriend” …..ALL season (and all those leading up to now) we’re plagued by Ted’s failed love attempts, which, by now should have finally come to a close with him finally meeting the mother! Well, so far, all we’ve gotten this season is a whole lotta NOTHIN’…nothin’ but silly jokes, gags & cameos. At least we get to enjoy angry Lilly. I get that it’s a HUGE event for Barney & Robin (though I still don’t get how they ended up together…but whatever, my sister agrees that they’re perfect for each other, and since she binged on the show’s entirety off Netflix this past summer, I’m just going to have to take her word for it) but why are they DRAGGING THIS OUT! Why do we need the play by play of a WEEKEND with these people?? What is this, 24: At Barney’s Wedding?? Not to mention Marshall’s been on a road trip…they couldn’t drive to another airport and get on another flight? There are no busses?? And when are Marshall and Lily gonna resolve their career conflict?? I want to believe this whole season is building up to an epic moment for Ted, but I feel that once THAT happens, once we FINALLY see how he meets the mother, we’re done! We’re not going to get to join in on the  journey because we’ve been spending the entire time WAITING for the Wedding day that took too long to happen! We saw how Ted proposed, but I need more – I want the romance and the relationship they’ve built together to blossom before my eyes once a week….i am very annoyed, can ya tell??

What’s got me bored? The Walking Dead. …..BORING…come on, creators…you’re killing me and I’m gonna shoot myself in the head so I don’t have to wake up and be a part of this snooze-fest. JEEBUS! Can we get a little more action and little more progression??  I need to know how the group will react to Carol’s exile and what Tyrese will do when the news hits him in the face like a hammer to a zombie! How the heck did Glen survive the brink of death? And who does Rick think he is?? “THIS IS A DEMOCRACY THAT YOU CHOSE NOT TO BE A PART OF! NOW GO MAKE SOME COMPOST AND RAISE SOME PIGS…WHAT DO WE WANT? BACON!! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? 4 EPISODES AGO!!” AND CAN WE JUST BRING CAROL BACK!? JEEBUS!! And come on, New Camp…you’re gonna take in the deadliest man alive and trust him and his one eye on a food hunt?? Are ya kidding me? Uuuummm how about you tell this stranger to stay with his new family, repair leaks, dig some more zombie holes, let the 2-eyes handle the big-boy responsibilities. Once again though, good ‘ol Gov’s BACK on top and killin’ anyone who gets in the way of him being The Man, or in this case RV-Camp Champ! One-Eyed Brian and all his zombie-heads will be proudly displayed in his RV soon enough….I’m ok with seeing the Zombie Apocalypse from other perspectives, but I need some resolution and I need some answers…this season is starting to feel too much like Season 2 (remember how frustrating it was knowing that Sophia was in the barn and they were all like, “omg you’ve got Zombie Sophia in the barn?? We’ve been looking all over for her!”) and I’m ready for them to leave the prison-life…

I was told that the 2nd half of this season is going to pick up at a faster pace; that it will be better than the first half, but I don’t accept that…what, am I supposed to just be ok with waiting for something better?? You know what I do when that happens? I DROP a show like it’s HOT (but it’s not)! I’m like, “FUNZO DONEZO!” Just like I did with Glee, just like I did with The New Girl, just like I’m thinkin’ about doing with Super Fun Night…and just like I should have done with Lost (I STILL don’t want to talk about it). TWD, you better not walk in those stupid footsteps or else….or else I guess I’ll stop watching!

(Sike, that’s an empty threat…i’ll still totally tune in…)

What’s got me perplexed? American Horror Story: Coven. Ummm…sooo…where’s the horror? Yeah, I think that’s all I really need to say. After TWD rant I just went on, might as well get straight to the point with AHS:C.

Sike, I’ll indulge you with my anger and wit;

Hey Creators! Remember Season 1 when you freaked us all out? I was SO scared (until I put my big-girl pants on) JUST from the opening scene/opening credits and from the first time I heard that broken mp3 you chose as the theme song!  Too bad the Murder House finale was a farce..but whatever…And remember Season 2? You did such a great job with the writing, the direction and the symbolism, I could put Asylum on a pedestal and worship it, I believed in it so much!

Most excitingly, this season brought us an impressive cast – predominantly women of many familiar faces and some new, but all for what?
– Where’s the crazy voodoo magic and impressive spells of witchcraft?
– Why isn’t the supreme being supreme?? Oh, she’s too busy being a terrible mom, ghost-lover? Okay….
– Is the Axeman still a ghost, or what?
– Where’s Lily Rabe and her beautiful hair? (if you haven’t been reading my posts on AHS, just know that I’m in love with her this season)
-What’s the point of Kyle? I’m not very impressed with his Frankenstein performance …though I did like his butt.
-And did Zoe have enough brains to record the conversation she had with Spalding in order to bring justice to the wicked witch of the bayou??
-AND where the heck was NAN this last episode?? Just like where the heck was Kathy Bates that episode the girls decided to play with the Ouija board?? AND WHERE ARE THE TEACHERS?? Are the parents of these 3 students made aware of the danger their children are in? It’s 9pm, do you know where your children are? Oh, let me fill you in, cuz you should know  they’re barely surviving zombie attacks, being raped by attic goblins, and having unprotected threeways with a boy made of other boys! I thought this school was supposed to be a safe haven for these girls!!…

UGGHH That stupid three way…WHY?? FOR WHAT? How does that pertain to the story besides throw it off completely?? Oh, maybe Zoe will absorb some magic through her death snatch, another power to add to the list. “SUPER Death-Snatch…check”

Last I checked, it was called American HORROR Story,
not American WHORE Story! 

whore

I TRULY can not wait until Myrtle sprouts from the death garden into a flower of fury, bustin’ out with the truth and takes Fiona DOWN! Or tries to before Fiona can slam her against a wall (her best trick yet!…And btw, anyone wonder why Fiona used a match to light Myrtle on fire and not just use her Supremeness to do it? She should have snapped her fingers like Mary Poppins and WOOSH spit-spot, fire to the witch!). At least Queenie made her way to the dark side where she belongs*..she’s a HUMAN VOODOO, who could teach her better than the ultimate Voodoo herself? *Jokingly, it works in regards to complexion aswell 😉

Instead of a good horror story we have a late night drama of headless minotaur crap. Honestly, the only characters NOT pissing me off this season are Misty, Zoe with a chain saw, and Voodoo Queen, Angela Bassett who is ROCKIN’ the role wit dat accent!

spaldingNow that we are rid of Spalding and his exemplary personal hygiene and physical upkeep (…which, btw, I wonder if Zoe buried him under the gazeebo), I’d say Madam LeLaurie is the most horrifying character – as long as we get more flashbacks from her days of terrible bigotry. Yes, she’s all locked up now, gettin’ what she deserves and THAT’S good writing, but how can AHS explain the rest?? Can this mixed up story tie together in ANY way?? It’s all over the place and should really get back on track cuz right now I have NO idea what they’re doing except disappointing me.